I’ve been trying to write a long post for a while now. I did another short one a couple of days ago but it decided it didn’t want to post, and the proceeded to disappear off the face of the planet.
I’ve had so much on my mind as of late. Problems of all different sorts and sizes, all of which combined feel like a burden that I just cannot bare. I have no one to turn to, to get my problems off my chest, let alone advice or help. The crippling isolation of it all is probably what makes me the least able to cope. Though enough about me for a moment, let me indulge in a dive into the realm of my woes in relation to other people.
A has also been somewhat volatile. She has her own struggles. She has her own very real life problems. She is a living, breathing human, made of flesh and bone, a fact that many seem to forget. A’s problems are definitely triggered by real life events, most of which she doesn’t have a great deal of control over. She has been unlucky yes, but not as much as she feels.
Her issues arise from how to deals with the challenges throws at her; Often the way she reacts does no favours for her. She overreacts to trivial matters, that should only hold a short sway over her emotions. This, combined with everything else, often makes her very miserable, or worse, livid. She’s as good as threatened to self-harm, with the reasoning, maybe it will make things better. She puts herself in a little bubble, refusing to listen to reasoning despite hers being completely irrational. I offer my advice, or sometimes just support, but she brushes it away.
As a result, there is little I can do to help. It’s painful to watch, powerless. All I can do is hope and pray that she will calm down and see sense before she does something.
B and I don’t really have a massive amount in common. We had completely different upbringings, for the most part different interests, different way of responding to things, etc. But despite all that, we have depression in common. We originally bonded over a difficult time in her life and have been very close friends ever since.
When I left to go to uni a year and a half ago, we drifted away, and talked little. Occasionally I would remember a random time we shared and send her a quick message, though for the most part, conversation was fleeting. Fast forward to about a month or so ago, and we get talking. She tells me she’s tried to kill herself recently.
My heart drops. Every worry I had for her for when I got her through that difficult time beforehand, come racing back. She tells me after she tried, her uni found out and referred her to a specialist and she has for the first time, been diagnosed with depression.
I spend the next few weeks, a little on edge. We meet up over Easter. The plan was just once for a few hours, but in the end, I went home a day later just so I could spend another evening with her. I stay over and I leave in the morning. Leaving her house that day was probably the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had in my life. It’s by this point that I realise that every fibre in my being is terrified for her and once again, as with A, there is nothing I could do at all.
Since then, we’ve talked a few times, but only really when she’s been just about okay and for the most part, I’m not sure it could really be considered talking, just a few exchanged sentences. When she is in utter despair, she shuts out the world, and she doesn’t want to speak to anyone. As a result, even when something is up, I don’t know and even if she did, it’d be a miracle for her to reply to me. Again, I’m completely useless…
C is new to me. I don’t know her problems, I’m not sure she’s aware of mine thought that’s probably for the best for now at least. Mainly a friend of a friend, I have become somewhat infatuated for no discernible reason, which is odd for me. She is pretty and tolerates me, but for some reason, my mind has made as massive leap with a person whom I barely know. I guess hows or whys aren’t really an issue. More of the dilemma is produces.
My last 2 relationships broke down for half of the same reason. I’m about as mentally stable as South Park character and there is little to nothing anyone can do about it. As a result, I’ve got a massive decision. Provided the interest is mutual, do I selfishly risk it all, hope that my problems will go away or at least become more controlled for some reason, while running the risk that it comes to a screeching halt because I’m a miserable fuck whom long term exposure is most likely tortuous? Or do turn down a chance of some sort of happiness to prevent any chance of my misery increasing, or worse, spreading?
I was originally going to write much more, but I desperately need to get some sleep. In the next coming days, I shall try to cover so more of the things plaguing my mind, now that the people of concern are mostly mentioned…..