It’d been quite some time since I’ve posted on here.. Too long since I vented at the vast nothingness of this corner of the internet…
I’ve been busy you see. Life has given me little time to sit down ans even consider writing something vaguely coherent (not to suggest that I ever am). At the very beginning of September, I broke up with my ‘long time’ (2 years) girlfriend, which was by far the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do personally, or to someone else….. It took everything in me to tell her, even though in the end I knew it was for the best.
I guess the most recent fuss though has been over getting uni sorted. It goes back to the summer, more specifically, mid August. After mulling over my options, I decided to contact you, and let them know. They basically told me the woman who deals with all that stuff was on holiday, and would contact me when she got back. 3 weeks later, after not hearing anything, I contact them again, and get no reply. I ring up, 3 times in total, first two times being told I’d be contacted the next day (which I wasn’t) and only finally got told I could come back, ans when I started, the day after I was suppose to have started…
As a result, I frantically looked for somewhere to live, utterly failing to find anywhere, and ended up spending 2 weeks living at my grandparents in south Wales, commuting to Bristol each day. I eventually found somewhere, which I currently reside, but it’s hideously expensive, with a very nice, but very irritating landlady, with her husband who’s (moat likely illegally) trying to squeeze more money out of me…. So once more, I’m already house hunting….
Uni itself is going fairly well considering everything and I think I’ve already managed to make closer friends than I managed to last year, not at the fault of the people on my course last year.
My mood and my thoughts are however, as rampant and destructive as ever… Through everything, I don’t know how I haven’t completely lost my mind and lost all rationality. My emotions, my feelings, both mental and physical have Bern somewhat strained as of late. While to a degree I’ve had less time to dwell on everything, I’ve felt considerable worse otherwise.
My heavily suppressed mostly unexplained anger has heavily fed my violent imagination. Visions of brutality of incomprehendable levels are increasingly frequently flooding my minds eye. Suppress it, or go with it, it changes nothing. They won’t leave me. But sometimes I don’t want them to. In a mix between anger, rage and malice, along with anxiety and a feeling of transcendence above all others accompanied by a sense of superiority, I feel as close to euphoric as I think I have ever felt. In the realm that ny mind creates, I wield the power. I am the almighty and I can reform it all as I see fit. But for now at least, I can keep bthat in check. I can distinguish between the realms of my imagination and this reality, at least to some degree.
I think this is where I end my long/brief update, somewhere between the diary of a schizophrenia or some sort of esoteric ramblings… I hope you’re enlightened. I certainly am not.