The time right now, as of the moment I am writing this, is 00:20. It’s the 12th of June, 2012.
While time under normal circumstance travels at the same rate, mental perception of time rapidly fluctuates from one moment to the next. If you’re looking forward to something or doing something you don’t enjoy, time goes slowly. Conversely, if you’re doing something you enjoy, time goes quickly. It’s a phenomenon we’re all familiar with.
4 summers ago in July and August 2008, shortly after finishing high school, I lost it. My mind went into meltdown and for some reason beyond me and all the professionals I’ve seen since, I have been unable to be happy like I once was. The general contentment that I in my life vanished without a trace.
Since then it’s been a long, slow battle, with the only thing to show is more scars and more loss territory. Things have only got worse.
Something came to me yesterday though and since then I can’t shake the horrible dread that came with a realisation. In just over a months time, I will have been like this for 4 years. 4 years. I’m 20 this year.
1/5th of my life.
Soon, more than a 1/5th of my entire life, I will have spent fighting invisible demons, whom I have no weapon against and no hope. In less than a year and a half, it will be a quarter.
It terrifies me of how much of my time has been robbed from me already, and how much more is at risk, and just how powerless I am to do anything about it. All I can do is sit, watching the clock tick as my life vanishes.